Leaving the old year behind me.

2011 was, without argument, the most difficult year of my life. I am grateful that it is finally over. Not only have I been battling mild depression since May, but I ruined a relationship I thought I wanted for years, convinced myself I wanted something that I actually didn't and hurt people in the process, lost friends, lost money, dug myself into holes that I will probably never be able to dig myself out of, and lost a lot of myself in the process. 

The most painful part of the year came during autumn. I met someone wonderful who changed my life in an instant. That instant became days, and this person, this boy, made me smile and made my heart dance for the first time in months. We shared every sort of moment. We told each other how much we meant to each other. We held each other close, sometimes for entire nights at a time. I realize now that I think I loved this boy. But that realization came too late. He was gone before I even could grasp that he was here. He was found dead in his apartment just two days after I kissed him goodnight. 

Losing him made me lose my mind a bit. I've spiraled in and out of fits of panic and severe depression, have cried myself to sleep every night. This boy was my sunshine, and it was like a huge, cold hand came and snuffed out the light. I don't thrive in the darkness. And the darkness consumed the entire remainder of my year.

It still feels dark. I won't deny the darkness. I still need help. But stepping out of the year that brought me so much grief has been relieving. 

I learned, during 2011, that I can not lose myself, no matter what I am dealing with. I must stay true to who I am and take the time to make decisions that will only benefit me. Also, I've learned that life is too short to waste it doing things that hurt you, or perpetuate boredom and sadness. Do what you love and fuck the rest, right?

Here are some of my New Years resolutions. Because I need to make some serious life changes. I need to stick to these resolutions and make them count.

For starters, I am going to keep myself as preoccupied as possible. Being productive is distracting, and it keeps my mind off of all the shadowy stuff that it naturally slips to when I’m bored.

I want to read more. I want to read all of the classics. Starting with Lolita, my short-lived sunshine's favorite book.

I want to be more crafty. I want to make an Etsy shop and sell handmade goods.

Fitness-wise, I am actually going to force myself to go to the gym at least 4 times a week, and if I can manage, I want to get some sort of personal trainer or nutritional coach.

Mostly, there is this: When there comes a time where I have the choice between something that I want to do and something that it seems I should do, I’m going to do what I want, even if I end up regretting it in the end. Life is too short to be bored and unfulfilled. I want to say that I lived during college rather than just floated through my 5 years here stressing out about trivial academic bullshit. No, that does not mean that I want to party all the time. It means taking an impromptu destinationless weekend bus trip, even if I have an exam the following Monday. It means being forward and very intentional when meeting new people, and to genuinely make an effort to kindle and support new friendships.

I know that I need to get better, and I know that recovery will probably be slow. But baby steps are still steps, and I will get to where I need to be eventually.

Here’s to having the opportunity to start fresh and make changes. And here's to leaving 2011 behind with my sadness