Seasonal

Seasons affect me. During spring, I am always searching for new beginnings--I either become tremendously motivated or extremely burnt out and ready to move on to my next great adventure. Summer turns me into a sloth. Autumn refreshes me, and I thrive flirtatiously in its chill and its changes. Winter, however, is for tears and stuffy noses and lethargy and painful nostalgia. Recently, I just don't do winter well. And it's becoming quite apparant to me within these past few days that winter is fully here.

I don't readily welcome this winter bitterness. Snow I accept, but the wind and the harsh salt cracking under my boots are not sensory experiences I miss during spring's rains, summer's swelter, and autumn's crispness. The few weeks that separate summer from fall, that send brief gusts of chill just to let you know that cold is coming soon--that is my favorite time of year. Feeling warmth still kiss your cheekbones, but bundling under a light jacket when September breezes brush past. Iced tea and lemonade are suddenly exchanged for toasty spiced chais. I love watching sunny yellow hues begin to infect late-summer leaves, and seeing people on the street pull out their year's first cozy sweaters.

dear, sweet early-autumn briskness.

By this time every year, without fail, I begin to regret living in a northern region. I truly can't stand Pittsburgh winters; they linger until March, leaving sooty brown slush and chapped skin. Having four seasons is important to me, but our winters just outstay their welcome (if ever welcomed to begin with). This year, I fear, will be even worse than winters past; I've always succumbed to seasonal depression in some form--usually mild and brief--but having already been fighting the demons for 8 months, I'm afraid my snowy sadness might drag me down more than I can tolerate.

While I hope this isn't the case, I've promised myself that I will do everything in my powers to keep myself smiling even if the depression hits hard.

For a moment today, I had a lonely plummeting sensation and thought to myself, "Oh no, here it fucking comes." But I stopped the feeling in it's tracks by immediately altering my walking course to make a pit stop in a 7-11 and treating myself to the warmest, sweetest toffee cappuccino that $1.07 can buy. I took my steaming cup to the coziest nook of the loveliest room in the student union, and--even though I had much more important and productive (but boring and saddening and stressful) things to do--cuddled up in a chair and read for an hour.

This was exactly the distraction I needed and I was proud of myself for knowing that and acting upon it rather than pushing my emotions aside to make room for stressful obligations. Sometimes you just need some time for the feeling to pass. And sitting in that tapestry chair, sipping coffee and reading Lolita allowed precisely that. Time. Time for pleasure to seep in and give the warm happy feeling that I get during those first few weeks of transition from summer to fall.

Winter, I'm trying to be prepared for you this year. I'd ask you to go easy on me, but I know you won't, because you never do. But I've realized what I need, and knowledge is power.

pittsburgh winter, i'll conquer you yet.

Leaving the old year behind me.

2011 was, without argument, the most difficult year of my life. I am grateful that it is finally over. Not only have I been battling mild depression since May, but I ruined a relationship I thought I wanted for years, convinced myself I wanted something that I actually didn't and hurt people in the process, lost friends, lost money, dug myself into holes that I will probably never be able to dig myself out of, and lost a lot of myself in the process. 

The most painful part of the year came during autumn. I met someone wonderful who changed my life in an instant. That instant became days, and this person, this boy, made me smile and made my heart dance for the first time in months. We shared every sort of moment. We told each other how much we meant to each other. We held each other close, sometimes for entire nights at a time. I realize now that I think I loved this boy. But that realization came too late. He was gone before I even could grasp that he was here. He was found dead in his apartment just two days after I kissed him goodnight. 

Losing him made me lose my mind a bit. I've spiraled in and out of fits of panic and severe depression, have cried myself to sleep every night. This boy was my sunshine, and it was like a huge, cold hand came and snuffed out the light. I don't thrive in the darkness. And the darkness consumed the entire remainder of my year.

It still feels dark. I won't deny the darkness. I still need help. But stepping out of the year that brought me so much grief has been relieving. 

I learned, during 2011, that I can not lose myself, no matter what I am dealing with. I must stay true to who I am and take the time to make decisions that will only benefit me. Also, I've learned that life is too short to waste it doing things that hurt you, or perpetuate boredom and sadness. Do what you love and fuck the rest, right?

Here are some of my New Years resolutions. Because I need to make some serious life changes. I need to stick to these resolutions and make them count.

For starters, I am going to keep myself as preoccupied as possible. Being productive is distracting, and it keeps my mind off of all the shadowy stuff that it naturally slips to when I’m bored.

I want to read more. I want to read all of the classics. Starting with Lolita, my short-lived sunshine's favorite book.

I want to be more crafty. I want to make an Etsy shop and sell handmade goods.

Fitness-wise, I am actually going to force myself to go to the gym at least 4 times a week, and if I can manage, I want to get some sort of personal trainer or nutritional coach.

Mostly, there is this: When there comes a time where I have the choice between something that I want to do and something that it seems I should do, I’m going to do what I want, even if I end up regretting it in the end. Life is too short to be bored and unfulfilled. I want to say that I lived during college rather than just floated through my 5 years here stressing out about trivial academic bullshit. No, that does not mean that I want to party all the time. It means taking an impromptu destinationless weekend bus trip, even if I have an exam the following Monday. It means being forward and very intentional when meeting new people, and to genuinely make an effort to kindle and support new friendships.

I know that I need to get better, and I know that recovery will probably be slow. But baby steps are still steps, and I will get to where I need to be eventually.

Here’s to having the opportunity to start fresh and make changes. And here's to leaving 2011 behind with my sadness

The Ultimate Movement.

ORACLES
The Ultimate Movement. 

by Donald Lehmkuhl

 

Knowledge expands perception of the unknown.
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Self-knowledge reveals the absence of the Self:
The absence of Reality.
The light of form.
The acceleration of Time.
The creation of Space.
The presence of Becoming.
The finiteness of the Universe.
The purpose of suffering.
The pulse of Existence.
The role of Consciousness.
The rule of Consciousness.
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Consciousness is a phase in Evolution as important as the creation of matter itself.
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Consciousness is more remarkable than life because without Consciousness life could not be remarked upon.
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Consciousness is the witness to becoming.
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Consciousness is the womb of Reality.
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Consciousness is pain.
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When we take pains, we take Consciousness.
What we get in exchange for our pains we get in exchange for Consciousness.
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Consciousness is the limitation to which we are all confined.
We have not the major freedom of the voluptuous innocent panther.
We are not beneath choice, not above it.
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We have no choice: we have choices.
We are condemned to choose.
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It is Consciousness that denies us Freedom, yet it is Consciousness that sets us free.
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Consciousness is the manifestation of thought in matter.
Consciousness is energy’s last leap and greatest leap toward Reality.
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In the crucible of human suffering, Consciousness is creating god.
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The Universe is filled with mindscapes: oceans and islands of thought, continents that ripple with canyons and sierras of joy and fear.
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The mind is studded with stars.
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The mind is a jar into which space is poured.
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The Universe is a convoluting brain.
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The Universe is, therefore it thinks.
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It thinks me.
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I am, therefore I am thought.
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The Universe and I is One.